I Stopped Explaining Myself

I used to think an explanation was a kindness.

Something owed.

If I made a decision that affected you, even a little, you deserved to hear my reasoning, in full, with all the context that got me there.

I don't think that anymore.

Somewhere along the way I noticed I was building a case every time I made a choice.

Turning down a request.

Changing a plan.

Saying what I actually wanted instead of what kept the peace.

I would lay out the whole argument before anyone even asked for one.

Pre-defending myself against a question that hadn't been raised yet.

That's not kindness.

That's a woman who learned that her decisions needed a permission slip to be valid.

I can tell you exactly where I learned it.

In rooms where I had to justify a choice three times before it was taken seriously.

In conversations where "because I said so" was fine coming from someone else, but from me it needed footnotes.

I got so used to building the case that I started doing it even when nobody was cross examining me.

Just in case.

Here is what I know now.

A boundary that comes with a full explanation isn't really a boundary.

It's a negotiation.

And you cannot set a boundary you're still negotiating.

The people who love me don't need the reasoning.

They trust the decision because they trust me.

The people who question every decision I make were never going to accept my reasoning anyway.

They'll find the crack in it no matter how carefully I built it, because the reasoning was never the actual issue.

So I stopped.

Not out of anger.

Out of exhaustion, honestly, and then out of something steadier than that.

Now when I decide something, I say it plainly.

I don't apologize for the decision before I've even made it.

I don't hand over the full transcript of how I got there, like my reasons have to earn approval before they're allowed to stand.

Some people don't like that.

I understand.

A woman who stops explaining herself can feel like a woman who stopped caring what you think.

That's not it.

I care.

I just stopped mistaking access to my reasoning for a requirement of my worth.

I stopped explaining myself.

That's part of my Herformation.